


The Adventure Zone Group Chats

by QuietFangirl



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone Needs A Hug, Existential Crisis, Group chat, Not just balance arcs, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sorry McElroys, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 03:58:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17697221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuietFangirl/pseuds/QuietFangirl
Summary: I love group chat fics, so here's the cast of TAZ in a group chat courtesy of Taako! Characters from other arcs, like Commitment, Dust, and Amnesty, may appear too. It's just kinda a mess, but aren't all group chats?





	1. Chapter 1

**_TVStar_ created new chat!**

**_TVStar_ renamed chat _Starstruck_**

**_TVStar_ added  _Daddy_ **,** **_Sis not cis_** **,** **_Queen goals_** **,** **_Cappy_** **,** **_My sword holder_** **,** ** _Plant fetish_** **, and** **_Nerd with bad fashion_ ** **to** **_Starstruck_!****

 

**TVStar:** hail and well met my dudes

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Taako, why is this my name?

 

**Queen goals:** What is this?

 

**TVStar:** so yall know abt my friend who gave me the taco recipe

**TVStar:** he gave me this weird sofs thing

**TVStar:** and its backwards compatible

**TVStar:** so i can like talk with you people without actually having to deal with your idiocy

 

**Plant fetish:** IT WAS ONE TIME

**Plant fetish:** Oh we’re not complaining about names

**Plant fetish:** How do we change our names?

 

**TVStar:** only i can change them homie

 

**Sis not cis:** aw hell yea t!

**Sis not cis:** we gotta meet this chef friend

**Sis not cis:** tho u need 2 change my bfs name

**Sis not cis:** i <3 his fashion

 

**TVStar:** you would

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** What’s so wrong with my fashion?

 

**TVStar:** listen barold

**TVStar:** ive known you for over a hundred years now

**TVStar:** your fashion has literally N E V E R changed

**TVStar:** and it was pretty bad in the first place

 

**My sword holder:** woah!!!!

**My sword holder:** This is so cool!!!

**My sword holder:** Hi guys!!!

 

**Daddy:** Um Taako who are these guys?

 

**Sis not cis:** ye i wanna know who u have saved as daddy

 

**TVStar:** i have r e g r e t s

 

**Plant fetish:** What’s wrong with being called daddy? I’m a dad

 

**My sword holder:** They are vERY DIFFERENT!

 

**_TVStar_ ** **changed** **_Daddy_ ** **to** **_Reap my heart_!**

 

**Reap my heart:** Aww babe!

 

**Sis not cis:** woah wait bby bro ur in a relationship???

**Sis not cis:** howd u meet???

 

**Reap my heart:** Oh dear god not this story

 

**TVStar:** yes this story

 

**Reap my heart:** Taako no

 

**TVStar:** um taako YES

 

**Queen goals:** We don’t need that story repeated, Taako.

 

**My sword holder:** I wanna hear it!!

 

**Queen goals:** Magnus, you were there.

 

**My sword holder:** But it’s such a great story!

 

**Plant fetish:** We should vote. All in favor?

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** I’m scared

 

**Sis not cis:** YES

 

**TVStar:** yes

 

**My sword holder:** Yes!!!

 

**Plant fetish:** All against?

**Plant fetish:** No

 

**Reap my heart:** No

 

**Queen goals:** No.

 

**TVStar:** barold?

 

**Sis not cis:** he says yes

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** No I didn’t.

 

**Sis not cis:** dude pls

**Sis not cis:** ull be rewarded

**Sis not cis:** ;)

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Okay, tell the story

 

**Queen goals:** Does Davenport get a vote?

 

**TVStar:** too late!

**TVStar:** also sis your bf is thirsty af

 

**Sis not cis:** stfu

 

**TVStar:** so were getting the thing that makes crystal right

**TVStar:** in this lab being taken over by pink rock

 

**Plant fetish:** Pink tourmaline

 

**TVStar:** what do you have a rock fetish too

 

**Plant fetish:** No, I just pay attention

 

**TVStar:** nerd

**TVStar:** anyway were in the lab facing down these freaky crystal robot things

**TVStar:** and this like gate thing opened up

**TVStar:** a giant golem thing appeared and tried to kill us

**TVStar:** so natch i pull some wizardy awesomeness and abracafuck him halfway till monday

**TVStar:** he was impressed and hmu later for a date

 

**Sis not cis:** wait like when was this

 

**TVStar:** idk like after the quiet candlenights

 

**Sis not cis:** woah woah woah wait

**Sis not cis:** dude

**Sis not cis:** dude!

**Sis not cis:** DUDE!

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** What is it, Lup?

 

**Sis not cis:** omfg

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** She’s laughing her head off. Taako, what’s going on?

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Woah

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Holy shit

 

**Queen goals:** What?

 

**My sword holder:** um Taako, maybe she can remember what spells you used since she was inside the wand…

 

**TVStar:** frgvoydmfxv dniwhkcvcj

**TVStar:** fuck

 

**Plant fetish:** Ha! And you give me shit about plants!

 

**Queen goals:** What??

 

**Cappy:** Hello all. What is going on?

 

**TVStar:** oh hey davenport everyone focus on him now

 

**Reap my heart:** Hello mister Davenport, how are you?

 

**Cappy:** Pretty good. I’ve just been doing paperwork. How are you?

 

**Sis not cis:**  EVARDS BLACK TENTACLES

 

**Cappy:** What?

 

**Queen goals:** OMG no way

**Queen goals:** You’re kidding

 

**TVStar:** OH MY GOD LUP NO

 

**Sis not cis:** OH MY GOD LUP YES

 

**My sword holder:** Hang on wait

**My sword holder:** Kravitz

**My sword holder:** It actually worked!!

 

**Reap my heart:** Babe, can I get admin rights on here?

 

**TVStar:** hold up howd you know about admin rights??

 

**Reap my heart:** Taako, I’m from another dimension. This stuff isn’t new to me

 

**TVStar:** oh right lol yeah

 

**_TVStar_ ** **upgraded** **_Reap my heart_ ** **to admin status!**

 

**_Reap my heart_ ** **kicked** **_Sis not cis_** **!**

**_Reap my heart_ ** **kicked** **_My sword holder_** **!**

 

**TVStar:** holy shit babe

**TVStar:** i gotta let you top more often

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** bitch u thought u could get rid of me

**Nerd with bad fashion:** bro lemme back in

 

**Reap my heart:** Taako, don’t

**Reap my heart:** Obedience is rewarded

**Reap my heart:** ;)

 

**TVStar:** o shit

**TVStar:** fuck

**TVStar:** why am i in this position?

**—**

**_Frut Lup_ ** **began messaging** **_Taako from TV™_ **

**Frut Lup:** bro pls

**Frut Lup:** ik the decision is hard

**Frut Lup:** but bro ive been left out for decades

 

**Taako from TV™:** but sis hes hot

**Taako from TV™:** :(

 

**Frut Lup:** omg wait

**Frut Lup:** wait wait wait

 

**Taako from TV™:** yea?

 

**Frut Lup:** ur not with him rn right?

 

**Taako from TV™:** well duh im talking to you rn

 

**Frut Lup:**!!

**Frut Lup:** go get kravitz from his place

**Frut Lup:** btw ik krav were both reapers i just didnt know u 2 were an item

**Frut Lup:** my bfs goin 2 work real soon

**Frut Lup:** just leave ur sofs there and barry can add me

 

**Taako from TV™:** kk

**—**

**TVStar:** sorry sis

 

**Reap my heart:** ;)))

 

**Cappy:** All of you need Jesus.

 

**Queen goals:** Yeah I’m out

 

**TVStar:** oh wait before i go

**TVStar:** tomorrow ill change peoples names so think of something good

**TVStar:** if its lame then it says the same

 

**My sword holder:** Oh wait!!

**My sword holder:** We should add angus!!

 

**Plant fetish:** And expose a child to this dumpster fire?

 

**My sword holder:** Oh yeah right

 

**TVStar:** meh hell hear it soon enough

**TVStar:** and knowing him hell probably find out about the chat real soon

 

**Queen goals:** Oh, was he not supposed to know?

 

**TVStar:**...hes with you isnt he

 

**_Queen goals_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Reap my heart:** Taako you know it’s easier to heat up so I’m not cold and weird with you here

 

**TVStar:** oh shit right

**TVStar:** bye bitches

 

**_TVStar_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Reap my heart:** Bye

 

**_Reap my heart_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** What the fuck just happened?

 

**Plant fetish:** Are you seriously surprised that Taako is kinky?

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Fair point. What now?

 

**My sword holder:** I’m gonna train with tsf, see you guys!!

**My sword holder:** Love you all!!!

**My sword holder:** <3333

 

**_My sword holder_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Cappy:** Bye Magnus.

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Seeya Magnus

 

**Plant fetish:** Later

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Wait who’s tsf?

 

**Plant fetish:** Team Sweet Flips

**Plant fetish:** Carey, Killian, and Noelle

**Plant fetish:** There used to be some asshole tagging along with Carey and Killian but I don’t remember what happened to him

 

**Cappy:** Boyland

**Cappy:** He died in the tourmaline lab and everyone liked him except you three.

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Huh, I don’t think I know them

 

**Plant fetish:** They’re the annoyingly adorable orc and dragonborn lesbian couple

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Oh neat. Noelle’s the robot, right?

 

**Cappy:** Yes, how did you know?

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** I’m a reaper and she’s pretty infamous

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Speaking of, I have to go to work

 

**Plant fetish:** I won’t let you hurt Noelle!

 

**Cappy:** Yeah, she is an agent of B.O.B., so you are not allowed to kill her.

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** No, I meant speaking of being a reaper. Noelle’s under Kravitz’s protection

 

**Plant fetish:** Is Taako’s boyfriend really that influential?

 

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Not by himself, but he’s the boss’s favorite.

**Nerd with bad fashion:** Seeya guys

 

**Cappy:** Bye

 

**Plant fetish:** Later Barry

**Plant fetish:** Did you literally wait for us to say goodbye before leaving?

 

**_Nerd with bad fashion_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Plant fetish:** He totally did.

 

**Cappy:** I thought it was polite.

 

**Plant fetish:** I knew you of all people would. What’s it like having an identity again?

 

**Cappy:** …

 

**Plant fetish:** … You okay?

 

**Cappy:** Well, I’ve only been able to say my name for so long. It made me realize something.

 

**Plant fetish:** What’s that?

 

**_TVStar_ ** **started a video chat!**

**_TVStar_ ** **ended a video chat!**

 

**Plant fetish:** … Want to open a private chat?

 

**Cappy:** Yeah

 

**_Cappy_ ** **has left the chat!**

**_Plant fetish_ ** **has left the chat!**

**—**

**_Tree fir all_** **began messaging** **_Davenport_** **!**

**Tree fir all:** So you realized something?

 

**Davenport:** Yeah. My entire life was devoted to the Starblaster, but now that we are not running anymore, I don’t know what my life is about now.

**Davenport:** Hell, when we forgot about the Starblaster, all I had left was my name!

**Davenport:** What is my life even for anymore?

 

**Tree fir all:** Listen buddy

**Tree fir all:** My life has been wild

**Tree fir all:** So if anyone knows about a midlife crisis, it’s me.

**Tree fir all:** That bad thing you’re feeling

**Tree fir all:** When you’re not sure about who you are anymore

**Tree fir all:** When the thing you’ve been doing or following left you

**Tree fir all:** That feeling

**Tree fir all:** Never really goes away

**Tree fir all:** But you don’t have to listen to it

 

**Davenport:** … Then if I’m not listening to it and learning about space and other knowledge, what do I listen to?

 

**Tree fir all:** That’s up to you. Lots of people turn to gods.

**Tree fir all:** By the way if you wanna try that I’ll be insulted if you don’t come to me first

**Tree fir all:** But you seem like more of the sciency type

**Tree fir all:** I can introduce you to a really nice science girl if you wanna branch out into more kinds of science

 

**Davenport:** That… sounds really nice.

**Davenport:** Thank you, Merle.

**Davenport:** I’d like to meet this “science girl,” she sounds interesting

**Davenport:** You need more credit for being wise.

 

**Tree fir all:** Hey, I’m the head priest for a youth group. Wisdom’s kinda my thing. I’m just really approachable about it.

**Tree fir all:** Anyway, talk to you later.

 

**Davenport:** Bye


	2. Chapter 2

**_Scales_ ** **created a new chat!**

**_Scales_ ** **renamed the chat** **_Hogsbottom three_ ** **!**

**_Scales_ ** **added** **_Butt_ ** **,** **_Love of my life_ ** **, and** **_Palimoney_ ** **to the chat!**

 

**Scales:** hey!!!

 

**Love of my life:** Baby what is this

 

**Scales:** a way to keep in touch with the other hog boys!!!

**Scales:** isnt it great? :)))

 

**Palimoney:** Is this a way to mock me and my family?

**Palimoney:** Not that there is anything about my family’s fortune.

**Palimoney:** There is still a massive fortune and it will stay that way.

 

**Scales:** …

**Scales:** it was a pun about money

**Scales:** and being my pal

**Scales:** is everything okay at home?

 

**Palimoney:** Yes why would there be anything wrong?

 

**Scales:** you seem… defensive

 

**Love of my life:** Listen Tanzer if you need help with anything

**Love of my life:** You just need to ask

 

**Scales:** seriously dude ur our friend its no problem if u need a lil help

 

**Palimoney:** No it’s fine everything’s perfectly fine.

**Palimoney:** Nothing has ever been wrong with the Silverview family.

 

**Scales:** i wanna make a joke but i also dont wanna hurt ur feelings

 

**Palimoney:** Feelings what feelings.

 

**Butt:** The lady doth protest too much.

 

**Scales:** hey buttwatcher!!

**Scales:** whats goin on with the ass-ets?

 

**Butt:** Excellently, thank you for asking.

**Butt:** How is your family?

 

**Scales:** o!!! yea!!!

**Scales:** we have news!!!

 

**Love of my life:** I’m pregnant

 

**Scales:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**Palimoney:** Congratulations Hathaway.

**Palimoney:** What is this, number three?

 

**Love of my life:** Four

**Love of my life:** The last pregnancy was twins

 

**Butt:** Great more tiny creatures.

 

**Scales:** thx u guys!!!

**Scales:** wanna see pix?

 

**Butt:** Absolutely not.

 

**_Scales_ ** **posted a photo to the chat!**

**_Scales_ ** **posted a photo to the chat!**

 

**Palimoney:** That raises a question I wish I’d never thought of

 

**Love of my life:** Oh gods

 

**Palimoney:** No, I don’t have to ask. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Hathaway

 

**Love of my life:** Thank you Tanzar

 

**Butt:** If you mix a dragonborn and a halfling, do you give live birth or do you lay eggs?

 

**Palimoney:** ... 

**Palimoney:** That is exactly what I was NOT going to ask

 

**Butt:** Why not? The knowledge is essential to learning how other creatures are inferior to the elven race.

 

**Love of my life:** Oh, that’s it?

**Love of my life:** Live birth

**Love of my life:** I’m pregnant, after all

**Love of my life:** You can’t carry eggs in a uterus, no matter what species

**Love of my life:** The only time it could ever happen is in stories

 

**Scales:** and health class :/

 

**Love of my life:** Yeah schools love to force that no mixing of the races thing

**Love of my life:** We should stop by my old school sometime to give advice

 

**Scales:** and rub our love in their face!!

 

**Love of my life:** That’s just a bonus

 

**Butt:** You two are disgustingly domestic.

 

**Scales:** thx!!

 

**Love of my life:** Thank you, Lucian

 

**Palimoney:** That didn’t sound like a compliment

 

**Butt:** You are welcome.

 

**Palimoney:** Oh

 

**Butt:** We elves are above such petty insults, Silverview.

**Butt:** We are above all else.

 

**Palimoney:** Sure you are.

 

**Scales:** o b4 i 4get, theres a family reunion coming soon and i want you both 2 be there 2!!

 

**Palimoney:** What, why?

 

**Butt:** What strange code did you just send me?

 

**Scales:** u guys can meet my sis carey and her wife!!

 

**Scales:** ok now i gtg callie wants smth and hathaway is busy w the terrible 2

 

**_Scales_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Palimoney:** But Hathaway hasn’t left the chat

 

**Love of my life:** Sorry the twins tried to take my phone

**Love of my life:** It didn’t work

**Love of my life:** Goodbye boys

 

**_Love of my life_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Palimoney:** So Lucian, how’s life?

 

**_Butt_ ** **has left the chat!**

 

**Palimoney:** I see how it is

 

**_Palimoney_ ** **closed chat** **_Hogsbottom Three_ ** **!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to bring up! School has been crazy. Now I can procrastinate studying for finals in a very fun and interesting way!

**Author's Note:**

> So, if anyone has suggestions for chat nicknames, please leave them in the comments!


End file.
